"Learning Utah history has definitely
been an eye opener. I just can't
believe all the facts that are pervading
my ears and eyes. There's no dispute.
It happened and the church covered it up.
I just can't believe it.
:(
My mind is reeling!
What does this mean for me?
I don't know."
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
A Texted Scripture
My dad is a really good guy. He really is. He cares about his kids welfare and he takes care of us (to the proper extent......marriage = you're on your own).
However he is one of those TBM guys who really wants everyone to be mormon. If I were ever to tell him that I am no longer a true believing mormon, I would instantly be receiving texts, emails, missionaries, letters, and everyone would know and be pushing and pressuring me into going back to church and how good it is (blah blah blah) and how I'm missing out on special blessings, its the only way we can be together forever, its the only truth, its the best thing in the world junk that crazy believing mormons do.
I would like to live a life that is not hypocritical or a huge big fat lie, but my body, mind, and emotions just cannot handle that. I would seriously kill myself. And I honestly don't want that. I have a great husband who completely understands me and I want to leave this place and make a new life with him where no one can intrude or tell us what to do or what to believe.
So in my hypothetical little world where I could act and say what I think, I would tell my dad that this text he sent me (which really isn't scripture, just some quote that isn't even given a reference) is bs. Yes. BS.
Here it is "obedience brings blessings. exact obedience brings miracles".
So, you're saying the EXACT obedience I gave from when I was 8-21 SHOULD have given me a miracle to cure my health? You know, instead of make it worse? Well forgive me if I chortle, because I've felt better mentally for the past two-three years giving NO obedience than I ever did giving EXACT obedience. Its a farce. Its something people give you to eat up and believe because it makes you feel good in the moment and keeps you closer to the body of the church and in blind faith.
No. I'm not buying it.
Please. Stay out of my religious life Dad. Parents. Siblings. All those who wish to ridicule me or put me down or tear me up or hurt me or offend me or convert me or change me (all for you). Stay the frick away from me. And keep your ideas and opinions to yourself. Because they are just that. Opinions.
However he is one of those TBM guys who really wants everyone to be mormon. If I were ever to tell him that I am no longer a true believing mormon, I would instantly be receiving texts, emails, missionaries, letters, and everyone would know and be pushing and pressuring me into going back to church and how good it is (blah blah blah) and how I'm missing out on special blessings, its the only way we can be together forever, its the only truth, its the best thing in the world junk that crazy believing mormons do.
I would like to live a life that is not hypocritical or a huge big fat lie, but my body, mind, and emotions just cannot handle that. I would seriously kill myself. And I honestly don't want that. I have a great husband who completely understands me and I want to leave this place and make a new life with him where no one can intrude or tell us what to do or what to believe.
So in my hypothetical little world where I could act and say what I think, I would tell my dad that this text he sent me (which really isn't scripture, just some quote that isn't even given a reference) is bs. Yes. BS.
Here it is "obedience brings blessings. exact obedience brings miracles".
So, you're saying the EXACT obedience I gave from when I was 8-21 SHOULD have given me a miracle to cure my health? You know, instead of make it worse? Well forgive me if I chortle, because I've felt better mentally for the past two-three years giving NO obedience than I ever did giving EXACT obedience. Its a farce. Its something people give you to eat up and believe because it makes you feel good in the moment and keeps you closer to the body of the church and in blind faith.
No. I'm not buying it.
Please. Stay out of my religious life Dad. Parents. Siblings. All those who wish to ridicule me or put me down or tear me up or hurt me or offend me or convert me or change me (all for you). Stay the frick away from me. And keep your ideas and opinions to yourself. Because they are just that. Opinions.
Friday, February 10, 2012
The God of the Lost Keys
Recently, I listened to a podcast called the God of the Lost Keys on Mormon Expression. Found here. It was an amazing podcast and you should listen to it. A very small portion is devoted to the concept of a miracle that nothing happened. As a True Believing Mormon growing up whenever something did not go right and it made me frustrated such as my car not starting, and then either after a prayer or after some time of trying, it suddenly started up and I was free to go on my way, I always gave the credit to God. Not in the sense that he was punishing me (which certainly did go through my head several times before I got to the end result, fighting down those womanly feelings of inadequacy even though I was as true as humanly possible) but in the sense that God made it happen so that something else that is SUPER DUPER BAD didn't happen to me.
Thinking back on that time in my life it gave me the ability to have patience in my frustration. When in reality now, I curse and get angry at it happening. Why? Because I know its my fault. I forgot to turn off the lights and therefore the car is dead. If it happens to come back on later its because there was a little bit of battery left enough to get it started. I should have more patience now when things don't go right because that is just part of life. But I should not and do not give the credit to God. Its what happens when you don't plan ahead or technology fails on you. It has nothing to do with God. If it did, why would God make you sleep in so the Angel of Death wouldn't get you? but let an innocent child in Sudan die of starvation. You know, one every hour? More on that later.
An acquaintance of mine posted this on their blog. I was absolutely stunned at the fact that just five years ago I would have thought this was the most holy true thing in the world and now I see it for what it is, flawed and putting the blame on someone else. Here is the quote:
Me: God, can I ask You a question?
God: Sure
Me: Promise You won't get mad
God: I promise
Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
God: What do u mean?
Me: Well, I woke up late
God: Yes
Me: My car took forever to start
God: Okay
Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait
God: Huummm
Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call
God: All right
Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?
God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that
Me (humbled): OH
GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.
Me: (ashamed)
God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.
Me (embarrassed):Okay
God: Your phone went dead bcuz the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.
Me (softly): I see God
God:Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
Me: I'm Sorry God
God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.
Me: I will trust You.
God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.
Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.
God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...
Thinking back on that time in my life it gave me the ability to have patience in my frustration. When in reality now, I curse and get angry at it happening. Why? Because I know its my fault. I forgot to turn off the lights and therefore the car is dead. If it happens to come back on later its because there was a little bit of battery left enough to get it started. I should have more patience now when things don't go right because that is just part of life. But I should not and do not give the credit to God. Its what happens when you don't plan ahead or technology fails on you. It has nothing to do with God. If it did, why would God make you sleep in so the Angel of Death wouldn't get you? but let an innocent child in Sudan die of starvation. You know, one every hour? More on that later.
An acquaintance of mine posted this on their blog. I was absolutely stunned at the fact that just five years ago I would have thought this was the most holy true thing in the world and now I see it for what it is, flawed and putting the blame on someone else. Here is the quote:
Me: God, can I ask You a question?
God: Sure
Me: Promise You won't get mad
God: I promise
Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
God: What do u mean?
Me: Well, I woke up late
God: Yes
Me: My car took forever to start
God: Okay
Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait
God: Huummm
Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call
God: All right
Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?
God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that
Me (humbled): OH
GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.
Me: (ashamed)
God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.
Me (embarrassed):Okay
God: Your phone went dead bcuz the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.
Me (softly): I see God
God:Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
Me: I'm Sorry God
God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.
Me: I will trust You.
God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.
Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.
God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...
I absolutely disagree with every single one of these. Why did you sleep in? Don't try to blame it on God, you slept in because you didn't set your alarm or didn't go to bed on time. Why did your car not start? Don't blame it on God, you haven't replaced your battery or you left your lights on. Your sandwich was made wrong and you had to wait? Who are you, the Queen of Sheba? Wait the damn extra ten minutes (if that) and be glad you actually have food to eat. Your phone went dead on the way home? Don't blame God, realize that if you'd actually put your phone on the charger all night it would not have died. Also, you have the ability to get a new battery if that one is a gonner. Just saying. Your foot massager wouldn't work? Seriously? This is written by the entitlement generation. Be glad that you can afford one and maybe ... give yourself a massage? Oh, wait that would be too much work. Seriously, all these made could be completely avoided by actually being responsible.
Secondly, Gods answer. Angel of Death? Drunk driver accident (in the morning...)? Getting an illness? Giving false witness against you? The power going out? Oh my gosh. If he cares about these things in your life, you are saying you are the most specialist person in the world AND if any of these things happen to other people, it is because he doesn't love them as much as he loves you. Or they were wicked. Or it happened to them so something more horrible didn't happen to them. It makes no sense that God would care about these minute things but not care about so many more important things that happen to people. More later here. Doesn't this take away the agency of other people to do bad things? The drunk driver had their agency to hit this person on the way to work. It was their right as a human to get drunk and hit this person. Just like it is the agency of the perpetrator to rape, abuse, and kill. There are so many other things, like starvation, being forced into sex slavery, being forced to be a soldier as a little kid, being murdered at the hands of extremists who believe God told them to kill you because they raped you and made you unclean, being murdered in cold blood, seeing your family burned and tortured to death, watching your children starve to death. There are so many atrocities in the world you can not explain them away. They are innocent people who suffer at the hands of evil wicked men and all you can focus on is that your car didn't start and God saved you from getting hit by a drunk driver? In my estimation you should have been allowed to be hit. Get some patience and smell the flowers - logic is not in your argument.
Where the hell do people see logic in any of that bull shit?
Because they are taught it in their culture, in their religion, and they don't want to blame themselves or think that its just life and they need to deal with it. No, there is a much higher power here. (barf).
Things happen in life because you made them happen or another person made them happen or technology failed. It has nothing to do with if God loves you more or is trying to teach you something. Yes, you may learn from it (patience), but in no way can it be attributed to a higher power. That is just ridiculous and honestly sickening if true, because it would mean God is a lover of the rich and a hater of the poor, the woman, the black. And if there is a God and he is like that, I don't want anything to do with him.
Monday, January 23, 2012
My Dad Told Me Today...
So, like any closeted ex-mormon (I really don't know any, obviously because they're usually still 'active' and act similar to 'TBMs', thats 'true believing mormons' for those of you out there who don't know the ex-mormon lingo like myself) none of my family has any even remote idea that I no longer believe, which is another story altogether, and therefore this conversation was a regular conversation any daughter would have with her father at any point in time growing up in Utah.
That he doesn't care what his kids do with their lives.
He doesn't care if they work at a fast food restaurant.
He doesn't care if they go to college.
He doesn't care if they get married.
He doesn't care when they have kids.
He doesn't care if they're a nurse, an accountant, or a zoo keeper.
He loves them no matter what they choose to do in life.
BUT.
Yes, there was a 'but' moment in here and you do realize what 'but' means right? It means, forget everything I just said because I'm putting a limit on my love and my ability to accept you as my child.
He wants them all to be in the church. Full fledged. Altogether Mormon. Happy Eternal Family.
Can you say zinger? Here I was thinking that he was going to just accept his children as they really are and whatever makes them happy makes them happy regardless of the content. Nope. I was excited that maybe, just maybe, I would eventually be able to slowly come out to my parents that I no longer believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Zing. Not a chance.
This conversation made me realize that it is not possible. I will not be leaving the church. Ever. (At least in the foreseeable future)
That he doesn't care what his kids do with their lives.
He doesn't care if they work at a fast food restaurant.
He doesn't care if they go to college.
He doesn't care if they get married.
He doesn't care when they have kids.
He doesn't care if they're a nurse, an accountant, or a zoo keeper.
He loves them no matter what they choose to do in life.
BUT.
Yes, there was a 'but' moment in here and you do realize what 'but' means right? It means, forget everything I just said because I'm putting a limit on my love and my ability to accept you as my child.
He wants them all to be in the church. Full fledged. Altogether Mormon. Happy Eternal Family.
Can you say zinger? Here I was thinking that he was going to just accept his children as they really are and whatever makes them happy makes them happy regardless of the content. Nope. I was excited that maybe, just maybe, I would eventually be able to slowly come out to my parents that I no longer believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Zing. Not a chance.
This conversation made me realize that it is not possible. I will not be leaving the church. Ever. (At least in the foreseeable future)
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Background
I've finally decided that I want a place where I can discuss what I want to discuss and opinionate my heart out. I've always been told that my opinion is worth while and that different is good - that is, until I became different myself and started to have differing opinions than my family and friends. Then, I was silenced. Ironic.
I'm a closet ex-mormon. And right now I'm okay with that. Its where I am.
I'm married and don't plan on having children anytime soon, if ever (getting a masters and looking forward to a PhD). *insert gasp from TBMs out there* I want to live somewhere exotic like Hawaii or Africa, damn these cold winters. I am a true feminist. I don't know if there is a God and if there is one I definitely believe he hates me specifically and women in general. I've traveled the world and plan to do more and as much as I possibly can without going broke.
There.
There I am.
I'm a closet ex-mormon. And right now I'm okay with that. Its where I am.
I'm married and don't plan on having children anytime soon, if ever (getting a masters and looking forward to a PhD). *insert gasp from TBMs out there* I want to live somewhere exotic like Hawaii or Africa, damn these cold winters. I am a true feminist. I don't know if there is a God and if there is one I definitely believe he hates me specifically and women in general. I've traveled the world and plan to do more and as much as I possibly can without going broke.
There.
There I am.
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